What If?

What if we never had that fight and you lost your trust in me?
What if I told you:
that you should wait
that I loved you
that you're an asshole?
What if I went with you in the car?
What if I gave up?

My life is filled with "what if's": I am the Traveler who took the Road Not Taken, the Astronaut who missed the moon and landed among the stars, the Man who threw stones from his Glass House.

And here I am: too stupid to stop asking "what if", too smart to never look back.

That...has made all the difference?

Red v. Blue

They're red. I'm blue.
We're divided, can't mix to purple.

The conversation goes and goes. But they won't look at it from my side; they're too hung up in a world of FOX propaganda and ignorance.

I clench my fists, trying to prevent myself from screaming.



It's time for college.

Stitches

I look at iCal, it's October 5. Four days have passed...
Where did the time go?

Because I at this rate I will never be free of homework...

Muffins and Lil Wayne

I've counted them more than I can imagine: 13 steps to my room. It's just me. Away from the anger, Away from the chaos. Away from everything.




It's just me, muffins, and Lil Wayne.

Downfall

I used to look at you: books in hand, poised walk, and a smile that kills.
You seemed the essence of Perfection.

But when I look at you now: books covering face, unbalanced walk, and a smile of anxiety.

That's when I realized it. Perfection comes with a price.
And by God, you've paid that price- and I can tell you It wasn't worth it.
You're miserable.

Say Hello

Say Goodbye to:
crappy posters, MGMT, icebreakers, sociology, SAT prep, Peter, "she lick me like a lollipop", "shoes off, hombre", sneaking in to school, bribing kids to swim, Happy Days, "why are you here?", MCW, pimp bowling, BBQ's, root beer, mock Olympics (GO INDIA!), "you're fresh and easy", causing meltdowns, going solo, being passive, Frankenstein, and last but not least,late-night AIM sessions.

Say Hello to:
6th period, espanol, Pandora, Hamlet 2, running, yearbook, PC, science, Outreach, a new printer, procrastination, slacking off, college rejection, college acceptance, the SAT, no math, more concerts, more money, less work, more play, football games (we suck and I love that), stealing cameras, MCW, less greediness, and last but not least, late-night study sessions.

Guess I'm ready.


It's not the end, just the transition.
185 more days.

Imaginationland

I run to the prize, but I get hit by the glass window. How deceptive glass is! I keep on falling flat on my ass. And despite all the attempts, my perseverance, my hopes; I never get anywhere.

And I stay here: staring at the ceiling, surrounded by old, linoleum tile. This land without North, South, East, or West.

The figment of my imagination. How real it appears! It makes me so foolish, so confused, so belittled.
Get me out of here...









Guess I'm back after all

Hiatus

I'm speechless...

Schedule

P1010051
Originally uploaded by michaelsilvestre

1. AP Bio-Davies
2. Pubs- Chai
3. AP Gov-Smith
4. Spanish 4 AP-Zelaya
5. Peer Counseling-Johannsen
6. AP English-Holmes



last time :(

The Aunt

I was so frustrated at Nonna. Why does she have to be so freaking officious?



But it isn't like I could escape. And today I stand here at this white-stucco house with dark blue trim covered in ivy. I stand in a place I haven't stood for ten years.

I never thought I would come back here. I dreamed about it, but it was a place in the past-the eight wonder of the world. And as Nonna rings the doorbell, I realize everything the same. I hear the sing-song tune entering the house. I see the coarse, beige carpet with its furniture resembling some library of the Russian nobility. Nothings changed excluding the new flat screen TV and a Guitar Hero console in the den.

But even as I stand in 1998, I can't bring myself to a level of comfort. I stand at the edge of the hall that connects to the family room. And judging by Her glances, I can tell I am not truly welcome here. I was so angry. Sure, this was my parents' fight. But still: how dare I come here and steal their guests? how do I have the audacity to enter this house like nothing happened?

I have to. And I stand by my mom's green Acura MDX. Displaying a smile, ear-to-ear, like I am OK with everything. But as soon as everyone gets settled in the car, I'm stepping on the accelerator and heading back to 2008.

Fireworks!

I love the fireworks! The colors exploding into the darkness of the night! My, oh my!

But what I do hate is when some punk throws firecrackers onto your driveway at 2:00 in the morning...bitch!


AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!

The one post I never could...

I typed everything I felt. The essence of everything I sought high school to be.


A melange of desire and sloth.

Could it be? Have I committed the deadly 7?
My goals, vivid. But I choose to lust over the future.
Do I just appreciate fantasy ? Do I live in reality?

I stop at the period, and I hit ctrl+w. A chill dances along my spine. I couldn't do it.
Secrets forever?
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I DID IT!

I finally can say I've accepted it!

No more remorse, no more derision. I can let things
flowwwwwwwwww...


like a river in the woods. like a wave. like blood.

Did I hit rock bottom? I think I did. Now things can finally start.
I cannot undo the past, but I can change the future. (yeah, it's cliche. so kill me!)

Future Islands

If my soul was able to make music, I am pretty sure it would sound like Future Islands. The compositions of their songs is so...compelling! With the vocals: I sympathize with the singer's yelps and pleas (similar to those of Hamilton Leithauser from the Walkmen). However, the singer's voice isn't too discomfiting-it is complemented by poppy synth beats. The music is versatile. Whether you're feeling emo or you're feeling happy, it satisfies all moods.

Caveat on the video: Future Islands seem to like they have been listening to a little too much Dan Deacon.

Anyone can

I never knew how...exact a book could be.


Obscurity vs. Tradition

Tradition wins, and I chose obscurity.

I guess you're going places...
places I could never reach.

It ain't summer yet!

I'm taking the SATII math and history tomorrow dhgssfkhkjhjkds.


ZOMG I haven't even begun studying...fuck!

Being the hipster that I am...

Stalkers

Yesterday made me feel it was summer.


I went to a PC barbecue and ate hot dogz and hamburgerz. We did things I never do. We played basketball (everyone vs. Katie), told jokes from Popsicle sticks, and watched scary movies. We even had smores! With the fire! It was great. The perfect post-goodbye party.




Anyways, after the BBQ I went to school to get my books and it was about 9:00. So I am at the red light at Pierre, dazed, and this care honks at me. I start driving and the car follows me. I get really freaked out. I start speeding and making all these crazy lane changes because they were right on me. Finally I lose them and I drive around. So I go home when the coast is clear and set my stuff down. All of a sudden, my phone rings and Lauren calls me. I tell her the entire story. Turns out Lauren, Chris, Trisha, and Nick were my deranged stalkers.

What a night!

I have so much.



Friends, grades, EIC, PC. I am so fortunate.
God! Very fortunate!


Right now, life is Great. Almost ridiculously Great.

Self-help Book Great.

I accept the impossible, I see the glass half full.

Later, life can be miserable. Rejections, fights, stress.
But that shouldn't faze me. Today is Great.

IC: 2008

I saw the yearbook tonight. It was amazing. Bright, bold, beautiful. I hope everyone else likes it.






And fyi, my photos weren't pixelated. As a had dreamed.

Cool/Not Cool

Cool: ditching school
Not Cool: listening to Clay Aiken for 2 hours

AP's

Goodbye test prep books, the numbers 1-5, free response!

See you in July.

"The Real World"

You sit in the corner of the room leaned back in your leather chair, sipping your pretentious, corporate coffee.

"I don't think you will be able to handle it...Let this be a lesson for the real world."

What the fuck is this "real world" you know of?
Raised in Orange. Schooled at UCLA. Taught at Walnut.

You couldn't be farther from real.

Why do you belittle your students. We aren't that fucking naive. We know that life isn't easy and all that shit. Stop shoving it down our throats.

And anyways, why couldn't I handle it? They don't just give this to anyone. And how do you fucking know? You know nothing about me. Yes, I am a shy white boy in your English class...but I am a complete opposite everywhere else.

I go 50mph in residential areas.
I listen to rap.
I ran a marathon.

Do you know that? How can you judge?

So please; when you are sipping your coffee, shopping online at H&M, reading crap like Eckhart Tolle remember this: you do not know everything. And if I asked for your guidance, I would have. So why don't you get a life and stop prying in to my life, my problems?

Float or Sink?

So in less than 24 hours I will know what position I will be next year...

A memory keeps coming about in my head lately. When I was young (or should I say younger), I would walk around the concrete jungle of my backyard. Despite the fact that most of my backyard consists of tomato vines and lemon trees, I could always find some activity to do. Whether I was building some irrigation system (water in a whole) or playing one player handball (hitting a ball against the wall), I could always find something entertaining to do. However on those truly insipid afternoons I would walk to the hibiscus tree sitting by the fire pit, and grab as many flowers as my mom would allow. Once I chose the flowers, I went to my room and found some lego people (the ninja was always my favorite). So when I gathered everything together, I would set the hibiscus on top of the water and watch it float. After making sure the flower was stable, I set the lego on top.

Here was where things got thrilling.

Not every flower would stay up. While some stayed afloat, others sunk like the Poseidon. It was unpredictable. It was random.

So what do I do if I sink?
I try as hard as I can to get back to the top again. No, I was not poised in my fall but that makes it all the better. I can start from scratch, be stronger than I ever was before.

What do I do if I float?
I do not flaunt and I stay humble: for it is just as easy to fall when you are arrogant.




The clock is ticking. The flower is set. All I can do now is watch and see where it goes...

GG

Oh God, when did things start to crumble?
Crumbling like a cookie.





I don't need another slump. I just got out of the last one!



In other news, I need to wash my car. It's a safety hazard.

I'm Boring

I think that I am boring. I can't really say much about anything, I am not entertaining. In a good blog, people usually place photos in their posts. I am a Bad Blogger: I never post photos. I don't ever have a reason to. But now I do. So for now on, I am going to have a photo every now and then to, for lack of a better phrase, spice things up.


In other news, I really like Zooey Deschanel. But I will talk about that at another time...

Note to Self: 04/10/08

• PC video
• Finish Studio 60
• CST Packet
• 1993 MC
• Great Gatsby essay
• Spanish powerpoint on Aymaras
• APUSH CH. 37 & 38: Cold War, Eisenhower Era
• Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime
  

The Darjeeling Limited

"Whatever happens in the end, I don't wanna lose you as my friend."

"I promise, I will never be your friend.  No matter what.  Ever."

Taco Factory

I have this ritual that every Wednesday after Outreach I must go to Taco Factory and order a Factory Burrito sans sour cream and cheese with super nachos.

I sit at the table in the Northwest corner.  I eat the burrito, save the nachos for Thursday.

This may sound pathetic and gluttonous, but the one event that I look forward to every week is Taco Factory Wednesdays.

I speak broken Spanish.

I eat.

I am content for two days.

But the main reason I am infatuated this even is because it never goes away.

I live one minute away from Taco Factory.  Car breaks down- I can walk.  From now until forever, a Taco Factory will appear on Wednesdays.  It is my hobbit hole, my escape.

Tomorrow is Wednesday.  As a matter of fact, any day could be Wednesday if I wanted it to be.

Photograph

Every time you take a picture of me, I lose a part of my soul.

Fuck that.

Fuck you.

I don't need that.  Never did.  I like not knowing what I am; ignorance is Bliss.

awareness is Discomfiting.  

The Pub

It never ends.

The editors bitch about the staffers.  But the editors are just the same.  No one is willing to work but they can all find scapegoats.

"I have spasms when I type."

"She never turned anything in."

"He uses exclamation points."

Everything is contradictory.  Everything is a mess.  And worst of all, there is no Excuse.

oh God, when do things go uphill again?

$168

I paid the money.  There's no turning back.

TV on the Radio

I have this love/hate relationship with TV on the Radio.  I cannot stand them because from interviews, etc they seem like the most pretentious assholes on the planet.  However, when you get passed their "we are too cool for mainstream shit" attitude, you see the glory that is TV on the Radio.  Their music is what I consider flawless: a powerful guitar riff that is both danceable and vengeful, a soulful voice of the frontman, and hella great lyrics.  They excel in accuracy and catchiness.  If I hear "Wolf Like Me" on Monday, I am singing it 'till Friday.  To be honest, they have the right to be assholes.  They fucking rock.

"Staring at the Sun"

"Wolf Like Me"

Soap, books, and motors.

Let me tell you about the clusterfuck that was Saturday.

Well, I had PLANNED my Saturday to go as so: do errands, watch movies, work on Calc packet.  But no, this is what happens:

I first had to go to the car wash.  So, I head out around noon and they rape me of my car and I am already anxious (I was a car was virgin).  So while I wait I take an APUSH practice test.  Everything is going to plan.  Oh, but HARK!  I as I drive I notice something isn't quite right with my car.  I pull over, and notice my antenna is completely off.  So I am like WTF!!!

I don't want to deal with it at this particular time, so I head to the library and renew some RP books.  After, I headed over to my dad and he is like "TEACH THAT SONUVABITCH A LESSON!"  So I head back, the guy says he'll fix it.  Everything is cool.

No.

My dad orders the antenna, forces me to go to the Shop and fix it.  So I do this and when he finishes I go to the car wash and give the manager the receipt.

Apparently that is not how it works.

So I basically had to pull reverse psychology: I said I would just pay for the damages.  The guy felt bad and said that I needed to "take a stand for what's right".  So he eventually gave me the dough.  I get my car.  The fucking end.

That was six hours I will never get back. 

Anarchy in the M.E.S.

Give me a mohawk and the Communist Manifesto: I'm going punk rock.

Human Drama is Inevitable

I blacked out.

There were no words.  No worries.  No wonders.

Static.  the Greatest noise to enter my ears.

I came back.  History.

There were words.  Worries.  Wars.

Nothingness is too perfect.  Chaos is too real.

real Always wins...

The Nose

I sniff on consistent 5 second intervals.

sniff, sniff, SNEEZE!

I hate my nose: the enormous, villainous monster.  

90%

OH! how God has a sense of humor...

I actually failed something today.  An assignment I should've gotten 100% on.  But why am I being so fucking negative?  Shit!

I am Winning.

I'm not going to let myself down again and it wasn't supposed to be like anything.

life is unwritten

I couldn't do anything about it.  I didn't see it coming.  So how could it be my fault?

What's better?

Comparisons are obscene.  How do you compare black with white?  Night with day?  And I have a shadow!  That's what counts?  Right?

I am Success.  Playing my own games, being my only opponent.  I am Genuine.

30%

I am Failure.

I let myself down and it wasn't supposed to be like this.

not even close

I blame myself more that I couldn't do anything about it.  I didn't see It coming.  Things don't look great anymore...

What's worse?

Standing next to the false heroics: the ones who took advantage of my sacrifice, the ones who look apropos but have no shadow.  I am being compared to them?  No?

I am a tragic fall.  Beaten at my own game, ridiculed by my own conscious.  And that is why I am Heroic.

Brainwashed

Think for yourself.

I, by any means, am no reference to life.  Otherwise, I would not be writing this blog.

Maybe I am a little ironic, but clone stamping isn't the way to do things.  If anything, it strays you from what you are.

What do you think will happen next?

The pressure has overtaken me.

I fall to the bed, give a heavy sigh.

"What do you think will happen next?" you said.

"I don't know."

We pause.  Not ready to think, not ready to move on.  It's the only moment of hope we've got; we'll make it last.

I will:

listen to "Hey There Delilah", sell my body, eat insects, do outrages stunts, pull a David Blaine, pull an Evil Knievel, praise Hannah Montana, fight in Iraq, dress in drag and get low on youtube, create and take part in a 12 step program,  carry only pennies, slaughter pigs, or watch High School Musical instead of doing my English, Spanish, and History homework.

ALSO: due to my overflow of "asdf" tags, I will now be using "sh00t esh000" as a subsitute; however, they mean exactly the same thing.

Don't Look Back in Anger

Lately I have been really into covers.  I like how artists interpret other songs outside their genre.

Smashing Pumpkins: "Landslide" (Fleetwood Mac)

Adam Green and Ben Kweller: "Kokomo" (Beach Boys)

However this cover of "Don't Look Back in Anger" done by Devendra Banhart is my favorite.  Banhart is able to manipulate a Britpop anthem into a folk song.  That is talent.  

Home Sick

I love being sick.  I always feel like being sick gives you an advantage among others.  You are given more priority.  You sleep.  You ditch school.

My favorite game to play when I am sick is to look at the clock and see what period it is at school.

7:00.  Calc.  Test, don't want to be there.

8:24.  English.  Definitely don't want to be there.

11:39.  Spanish.  Lectura.  Ughhhh.

While my classmates go to these mundane places, I sit on a couch with a blanket and In-N-Out; watching Celebrity Rehab.  Life is great.

100

Happy 100, blog!

I have done a lot of hating on here, and I am confident there will be more hating to come.

Euphemism

I am beginning to think that the euphemism is one of the most frivolous part of language.  Just because you give shitty topics pretty fronts doesn't change the context.

His cousin died by jumping off a roof.

They were caught having sex in a van.

That girl is a fat ass.

Is there truly a difference to say:

His cousin passed away jumping off a roof.

They were caught making love in a van.

That girl is big-boned.

I like being straight-forward.  I feel more awkward that way.  And awkwardness is a lot more interesting than small talk.

So I could be happy...

Thursday was one of the best days of my life.  It's funny: nothing spectacular happened, nothing great happened, and nothing concluding happened.  Up until that moment, that day kind of blew.  I bombed a history test, I still was hungover from deadline, and I was tired from only 3 hours of sleep.  Well I found this note in my room and as I read, a lot of things were starting to make sense.  This void I've had for months and months in my stomach: gone!  It was 5 minutes of pure ecstasy: I was decimeters from speaking in tongues and joining a cult.  I can't remember being so gleeful about things, so optimistic.  I was full of breath; energized to do anything.  

Unfortunately, emotions don't last forever.  And now I feel like shit...

Rivers Cuomo Loved His Dungeon Master's Guide

Coming out of my car today, it finally came to me that I am a geek.  I had just come home from work and I was sitting in my car putting all of my textbooks on my lap.  

The car moved two inches from the weight.

Trying to be as nonchalant as possible, I open my car and try to walk with 7 books up the driveway and eventually to the front door (haven).  However, things did not go over as smoothly as I intended.  Textbooks lay scattered on the asphalt, notecards everywhere, and my keys still on my seat.  I leave these items where they are and decide to head to the house.

It is at this point I couldn't get any geekier.

My first thoughts are of concern.  Will my books get wet?  What will I do if they are ruined?  How will I study?  Will I need to cover my textbooks again?

But it isn't just in these moments I can be considered a dork.  Every moment is the geekiest moment of my life.  This moment is the geekiest in my life.  Just think about these small facts about me:

1.  I think more about music than I think about girls.

2.  My room is littered with neon notecards (racy, huh?)

3.  My net attendance of parties in 2007 was 4.  3 of them family related.

4.  My DVD collection is (but not limited) to: the Star Wars trilogy, the Back to the Future trilogy, the entire series of FRIENDS on DVD, and Monty Python.

5.  The last thing I searched on Wikipedia was Catherine II of Russia.

However pathetic or lame this may be, I prefer the nerd lifestyle over the cool lifestyle.  Life has more substance this way.  After all, Rivers Cuomo loved his Dungeon Master's guide, but that didn't stop him from being one of the most badass rockers ever.

My name is...

After much thought, I have decided this is the best rap song ever.  Yes, the best.

Things You Should Know About My Job:

1. I am indifferent to any aspect of the automotive industry.  What size tires?  I DGAF.
2. Incorporating point 1, I am both unaware and unwilling to learn anything about my job.
3. My coworker is a Douchebag.  Elaborate?  Please don't get me started.
4. Yes, we do close at 4 on Sundays.
5. Yes, things cost extra with bigger rims.  Don't yell at me.  You chose to buy that gas guzzler you jackoff.  
6. Yes, anything under 25 dollars cannot be paid with a credit card.  This isn't new information.  That has been posted on the wall for 20 years.
7. If I worked anywhere else, I would definitely have been fired.
8. The majority of the people I work with only speak spanish.  "Puedes hacer un rotacion para este coche?"
9. To kill the hours, I go facebooking.  Sure, there isn't much to do but I do read the wall-to-walls of many people.  
10. No, I do not know the score of The Game.  I never know the score.  I am working.  Or facebooking.
11. I surf the web and talk to costumers at the same time.  That is productivity.
12. I am actually an OK salesman.  This is because of my indifference.  I don't care about scoring a deal, so I just tell it like it is.
13. As soon as I go to college, I am out.

Finals

It's funny how some things in our life are inevitable.  And despite how much we strive to deceive ourselves, we end up back at Point A.  I don't procrastinate because I am too lazy to do things.  I procrastinate as a way to search for a loophole to get out of the tasks that absorb any energy dedicated to my actual thoughts.  A deficiency in knowledge makes you ignorant.  But an overflow of knowledge overwhelms you from using it in any form of application.  Going back to the point, I need to stop kidding myself.  And perhaps that is why I am so zealous about Greek tragedies.  They keep me in the reality that you can never test the stars.

Return

I'm not ready to go back.