The Sophtware Slump

Moving Day

2009-10-15T17:55:00.000-07:00

Kids, pack your things.

This is not a pipe.

2009-08-18T22:21:00.000-07:00

Some people make their world whatever the hell sounds good to them. We're not in a fucking movie. Life isn't as dramatic as you make it--it's rather mundane, if I say so myself.

So true

2009-07-03T21:31:00.001-07:00

"I would give up the unessential; I would give my money, I would give my life for my children; but I wouldn't give myself. I can't make it more clear; it's only something which I am beginning to comprehend, which is revealing itself to me."

-Edna Pontellier, The Awakening

Summer

2009-06-29T21:08:00.000-07:00

I guess I've stopped writing.

I don't know what it is, but my mind and words don't mix as well as they used to. I can no longer communicate anything, really. I feel like nothing in my life is tangible; there is nothing to back things up, nothing really exists. I live like an animal, off of feelings. I'm happy, I'm angry, I'm sad--for no reason at all. My feelings and my environment don't seem like they connect. I've become so detached from reality since I graduated from high school. I don't do anything anymore. I spend six hours wasting away, watching other people live their lives. Theresa got new bubbiez. Celina chose Jason over her parents' choice meat, because she and Jason were meant to be. And while they go on with their lives, I sit there. Waiting for something new to happen, waiting for something to write about.

Goodbye

2009-06-07T20:50:00.000-07:00

As soon as I tear that envelope open, it's over.

So beautiful, I almost cried

2009-04-09T20:26:00.001-07:00

9:47 p.m.

2009-04-05T21:47:00.000-07:00

As I observe all of the greed, deception, and squalor of the world,

I smile.

5:07 p.m.

2009-03-26T20:29:00.000-07:00

...And at the Pearly Gates, I knelt on both knees and begged. I was the Pauper demanding cake. You stared at me and laughed, and before I knew it, I fell from the clouds.

Farther,
and farther,
back to Earth.

I am Mortal; nothing is going to change any time soon. All I can do is look to the clouds and pray that, one day, You will let me in. But that's ridiculous. I have better things to do.

March

2009-03-24T21:44:00.000-07:00

These days I find myself either completely stressed out or completely sedated.

11:40 a.m.

2009-03-17T23:23:00.000-07:00

It smells like burned plastic. Like my mother's room on a Saturday morning, the curling iron resting on the sink. Everyone around me covers their faces with their arms, their scarves. "The smell...it's too much." I am the only one who enjoys it. I inhale, exhale. My lungs finally feel big, like white garbage bags that have never been used. For the first time in a long while, I can take in the world without the stress, the drama, the neverending battle I have with confronting my fears. I am calm.

I stand enveloped by fire, but I know I will make it out. For I will use my lungs and breathe as hard as I can, like the Big Bad Wolf and a brick house, like a child and a birthday cake.

There's no such thing as a dead end.

9:15 p.m.

2009-01-27T21:54:00.000-08:00

I pull into the parking lot in a black Toyota pickup, driving 45 mph. The guitar intro of "More Human Than Human" blares on the radio. I jump out of the car, squeeze through the gates. It's pitch black, and the only thing I hear is Rob Zombie's voice shouting in my head.

"I am the Astro-Creep
a demolition style hell
American Freak "

Close one.

The Obligatory New Year's Post

2009-01-03T16:57:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to change...
things are going to suck.
things will not be "bomb" or "hot" in '09.
things are going to stay the same.

They always stay the same.

What If?

2008-11-07T19:59:00.000-08:00

What if we never had that fight and you lost your trust in me?
What if I told you:
that you should wait
that I loved you
that you're an asshole?
What if I went with you in the car?
What if I gave up?

My life is filled with "what if's": I am the Traveler who took the Road Not Taken, the Astronaut who missed the moon and landed among the stars, the Man who threw stones from his Glass House.

And here I am: too stupid to stop asking "what if", too smart to never look back.

That...has made all the difference?

Red v. Blue

2008-11-04T20:04:00.000-08:00

They're red. I'm blue.
We're divided, can't mix to purple.

The conversation goes and goes. But they won't look at it from my side; they're too hung up in a world of FOX propaganda and ignorance.

I clench my fists, trying to prevent myself from screaming.

It's time for college.

Stitches

2008-10-05T18:12:00.000-07:00

I look at iCal, it's October 5. Four days have passed...
Where did the time go?

Because I at this rate I will never be free of homework...

2008-09-29T21:53:00.000-07:00

Muffins and Lil Wayne

2008-09-20T21:38:00.000-07:00

I've counted them more than I can imagine: 13 steps to my room. It's just me. Away from the anger, Away from the chaos. Away from everything.

It's just me, muffins, and Lil Wayne.

Downfall

2008-09-11T22:14:00.000-07:00

I used to look at you: books in hand, poised walk, and a smile that kills.
You seemed the essence of Perfection.

But when I look at you now: books covering face, unbalanced walk, and a smile of anxiety.

That's when I realized it. Perfection comes with a price.
And by God, you've paid that price- and I can tell you It wasn't worth it.
You're miserable.

Say Hello

2008-08-24T21:42:00.000-07:00

Say Goodbye to:
crappy posters, MGMT, icebreakers, sociology, SAT prep, Peter, "she lick me like a lollipop", "shoes off, hombre", sneaking in to school, bribing kids to swim, Happy Days, "why are you here?", MCW, pimp bowling, BBQ's, root beer, mock Olympics (GO INDIA!), "you're fresh and easy", causing meltdowns, going solo, being passive, Frankenstein, and last but not least,late-night AIM sessions.

Say Hello to:
6th period, espanol, Pandora, Hamlet 2, running, yearbook, PC, science, Outreach, a new printer, procrastination, slacking off, college rejection, college acceptance, the SAT, no math, more concerts, more money, less work, more play, football games (we suck and I love that), stealing cameras, MCW, less greediness, and last but not least, late-night study sessions.

Guess I'm ready.

It's not the end, just the transition.
185 more days.

Imaginationland

2008-08-03T21:00:00.000-07:00

I run to the prize, but I get hit by the glass window. How deceptive glass is! I keep on falling flat on my ass. And despite all the attempts, my perseverance, my hopes; I never get anywhere.

And I stay here: staring at the ceiling, surrounded by old, linoleum tile. This land without North, South, East, or West.

The figment of my imagination. How real it appears! It makes me so foolish, so confused, so belittled.
Get me out of here...

Guess I'm back after all

Hiatus

2008-08-02T21:53:00.000-07:00

I'm speechless...

Schedule

2008-07-27T21:48:00.001-07:00

P1010051
Originally uploaded by michaelsilvestre

1. AP Bio-Davies
2. Pubs- Chai
3. AP Gov-Smith
4. Spanish 4 AP-Zelaya
5. Peer Counseling-Johannsen
6. AP English-Holmes

last time :(

The Aunt

2008-07-10T19:16:00.000-07:00

I was so frustrated at Nonna. Why does she have to be so freaking officious?

But it isn't like I could escape. And today I stand here at this white-stucco house with dark blue trim covered in ivy. I stand in a place I haven't stood for ten years.

I never thought I would come back here. I dreamed about it, but it was a place in the past-the eight wonder of the world. And as Nonna rings the doorbell, I realize everything the same. I hear the sing-song tune entering the house. I see the coarse, beige carpet with its furniture resembling some library of the Russian nobility. Nothings changed excluding the new flat screen TV and a Guitar Hero console in the den.

But even as I stand in 1998, I can't bring myself to a level of comfort. I stand at the edge of the hall that connects to the family room. And judging by Her glances, I can tell I am not truly welcome here. I was so angry. Sure, this was my parents' fight. But still: how dare I come here and steal their guests? how do I have the audacity to enter this house like nothing happened?

I have to. And I stand by my mom's green Acura MDX. Displaying a smile, ear-to-ear, like I am OK with everything. But as soon as everyone gets settled in the car, I'm stepping on the accelerator and heading back to 2008.

Fireworks!

2008-07-06T18:03:00.000-07:00

I love the fireworks! The colors exploding into the darkness of the night! My, oh my!

But what I do hate is when some punk throws firecrackers onto your driveway at 2:00 in the morning...bitch!

AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!

The one post I never could...

2008-06-27T23:48:00.000-07:00

I typed everything I felt. The essence of everything I sought high school to be.

A melange of desire and sloth.

Could it be? Have I committed the deadly 7?
My goals, vivid. But I choose to lust over the future.
Do I just appreciate fantasy ? Do I live in reality?

I stop at the period, and I hit ctrl+w. A chill dances along my spine. I couldn't do it.
Secrets forever?
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I DID IT!

2008-06-17T23:47:00.000-07:00

I finally can say I've accepted it!

No more remorse, no more derision. I can let things
flowwwwwwwwww...

like a river in the woods. like a wave. like blood.

Did I hit rock bottom? I think I did. Now things can finally start.
I cannot undo the past, but I can change the future. (yeah, it's cliche. so kill me!)

Future Islands

2008-06-13T22:38:00.000-07:00

If my soul was able to make music, I am pretty sure it would sound like Future Islands. The compositions of their songs is so...compelling! With the vocals: I sympathize with the singer's yelps and pleas (similar to those of Hamilton Leithauser from the Walkmen). However, the singer's voice isn't too discomfiting-it is complemented by poppy synth beats. The music is versatile. Whether you're feeling emo or you're feeling happy, it satisfies all moods.

Caveat on the video: Future Islands seem to like they have been listening to a little too much Dan Deacon.

Anyone can

2008-06-10T21:29:00.000-07:00

I never knew how...exact a book could be.

Obscurity vs. Tradition

Tradition wins, and I chose obscurity.

I guess you're going places...
places I could never reach.

It ain't summer yet!

2008-06-06T17:14:00.000-07:00

I'm taking the SATII math and history tomorrow dhgssfkhkjhjkds.

ZOMG I haven't even begun studying...fuck!

Being the hipster that I am...

2008-06-04T20:16:00.000-07:00

This song is incredible. Summer anthem right here. Puts you in a good mood.

"I fly like paper, get high like planes/ If you catch me at the border I got visas in my name"

Stalkers

2008-05-31T09:27:00.001-07:00

Yesterday made me feel it was summer.

I went to a PC barbecue and ate hot dogz and hamburgerz. We did things I never do. We played basketball (everyone vs. Katie), told jokes from Popsicle sticks, and watched scary movies. We even had smores! With the fire! It was great. The perfect post-goodbye party.

Anyways, after the BBQ I went to school to get my books and it was about 9:00. So I am at the red light at Pierre, dazed, and this care honks at me. I start driving and the car follows me. I get really freaked out. I start speeding and making all these crazy lane changes because they were right on me. Finally I lose them and I drive around. So I go home when the coast is clear and set my stuff down. All of a sudden, my phone rings and Lauren calls me. I tell her the entire story. Turns out Lauren, Chris, Trisha, and Nick were my deranged stalkers.

What a night!

2008-05-28T20:44:00.000-07:00

I have so much.

Friends, grades, EIC, PC. I am so fortunate.
God! Very fortunate!

Right now, life is Great. Almost ridiculously Great.

Self-help Book Great.

I accept the impossible, I see the glass half full.

Later, life can be miserable. Rejections, fights, stress.
But that shouldn't faze me. Today is Great.

IC: 2008

2008-05-27T23:06:00.000-07:00

I saw the yearbook tonight. It was amazing. Bright, bold, beautiful. I hope everyone else likes it.

And fyi, my photos weren't pixelated. As a had dreamed.

Cool/Not Cool

2008-05-23T23:05:00.000-07:00

Cool: ditching school
Not Cool: listening to Clay Aiken for 2 hours

AP's

2008-05-09T21:28:00.000-07:00

Goodbye test prep books, the numbers 1-5, free response!

See you in July.

"The Real World"

2008-05-06T15:34:00.001-07:00

You sit in the corner of the room leaned back in your leather chair, sipping your pretentious, corporate coffee.

"I don't think you will be able to handle it...Let this be a lesson for the real world."

What the fuck is this "real world" you know of?
Raised in Orange. Schooled at UCLA. Taught at Walnut.

You couldn't be farther from real.

Why do you belittle your students. We aren't that fucking naive. We know that life isn't easy and all that shit. Stop shoving it down our throats.

And anyways, why couldn't I handle it? They don't just give this to anyone. And how do you fucking know? You know nothing about me. Yes, I am a shy white boy in your English class...but I am a complete opposite everywhere else.

I go 50mph in residential areas.
I listen to rap.
I ran a marathon.

Do you know that? How can you judge?

So please; when you are sipping your coffee, shopping online at H&M, reading crap like Eckhart Tolle remember this: you do not know everything. And if I asked for your guidance, I would have. So why don't you get a life and stop prying in to my life, my problems?

Float or Sink?

2008-04-30T21:29:00.000-07:00

So in less than 24 hours I will know what position I will be next year...

A memory keeps coming about in my head lately. When I was young (or should I say younger), I would walk around the concrete jungle of my backyard. Despite the fact that most of my backyard consists of tomato vines and lemon trees, I could always find some activity to do. Whether I was building some irrigation system (water in a whole) or playing one player handball (hitting a ball against the wall), I could always find something entertaining to do. However on those truly insipid afternoons I would walk to the hibiscus tree sitting by the fire pit, and grab as many flowers as my mom would allow. Once I chose the flowers, I went to my room and found some lego people (the ninja was always my favorite). So when I gathered everything together, I would set the hibiscus on top of the water and watch it float. After making sure the flower was stable, I set the lego on top.

Here was where things got thrilling.

Not every flower would stay up. While some stayed afloat, others sunk like the Poseidon. It was unpredictable. It was random.

So what do I do if I sink?
I try as hard as I can to get back to the top again. No, I was not poised in my fall but that makes it all the better. I can start from scratch, be stronger than I ever was before.

What do I do if I float?
I do not flaunt and I stay humble: for it is just as easy to fall when you are arrogant.

The clock is ticking. The flower is set. All I can do now is watch and see where it goes...

GG

2008-04-23T23:39:00.000-07:00

Oh God, when did things start to crumble?
Crumbling like a cookie.

I don't need another slump. I just got out of the last one!

In other news, I need to wash my car. It's a safety hazard.

I'm Boring

2008-04-12T10:55:00.000-07:00

I think that I am boring. I can't really say much about anything, I am not entertaining. In a good blog, people usually place photos in their posts. I am a Bad Blogger: I never post photos. I don't ever have a reason to. But now I do. So for now on, I am going to have a photo every now and then to, for lack of a better phrase, spice things up.

In other news, I really like Zooey Deschanel. But I will talk about that at another time...

Note to Self: 04/10/08

2008-04-10T21:40:00.000-07:00

PC video
Finish Studio 60
CST Packet
1993 MC
Great Gatsby essay
Spanish powerpoint on Aymaras
APUSH CH. 37 & 38: Cold War, Eisenhower Era
Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime

The Darjeeling Limited

2008-04-07T14:14:00.000-07:00

"Whatever happens in the end, I don't wanna lose you as my friend."

"I promise, I will never be your friend. No matter what. Ever."

Taco Factory

2008-04-01T22:40:00.000-07:00

I have this ritual that every Wednesday after Outreach I must go to Taco Factory and order a Factory Burrito sans sour cream and cheese with super nachos.

I sit at the table in the Northwest corner. I eat the burrito, save the nachos for Thursday.

This may sound pathetic and gluttonous, but the one event that I look forward to every week is Taco Factory Wednesdays.

I speak broken Spanish.

I eat.

I am content for two days.

But the main reason I am infatuated this even is because it never goes away.

I live one minute away from Taco Factory. Car breaks down- I can walk. From now until forever, a Taco Factory will appear on Wednesdays. It is my hobbit hole, my escape.

Tomorrow is Wednesday. As a matter of fact, any day could be Wednesday if I wanted it to be.

Photograph

2008-03-24T17:43:00.000-07:00

Every time you take a picture of me, I lose a part of my soul.

Fuck that.

Fuck you.

I don't need that. Never did. I like not knowing what I am; ignorance is Bliss.

awareness is Discomfiting.

The Pub

2008-03-22T18:11:00.001-07:00

It never ends.

The editors bitch about the staffers. But the editors are just the same. No one is willing to work but they can all find scapegoats.

"I have spasms when I type."

"She never turned anything in."

"He uses exclamation points."

Everything is contradictory. Everything is a mess. And worst of all, there is no Excuse.

oh God, when do things go uphill again?

$168

2008-03-18T23:06:00.000-07:00

I paid the money. There's no turning back.

TV on the Radio

2008-03-11T22:04:00.000-07:00

I have this love/hate relationship with TV on the Radio. I cannot stand them because from interviews, etc they seem like the most pretentious assholes on the planet. However, when you get passed their "we are too cool for mainstream shit" attitude, you see the glory that is TV on the Radio. Their music is what I consider flawless: a powerful guitar riff that is both danceable and vengeful, a soulful voice of the frontman, and hella great lyrics. They excel in accuracy and catchiness. If I hear "Wolf Like Me" on Monday, I am singing it 'till Friday. To be honest, they have the right to be assholes. They fucking rock.

"Staring at the Sun"

"Wolf Like Me"

Soap, books, and motors.

2008-03-09T23:00:00.002-07:00

Let me tell you about the clusterfuck that was Saturday.

Well, I had PLANNED my Saturday to go as so: do errands, watch movies, work on Calc packet. But no, this is what happens:

I first had to go to the car wash. So, I head out around noon and they rape me of my car and I am already anxious (I was a car was virgin). So while I wait I take an APUSH practice test. Everything is going to plan. Oh, but HARK! I as I drive I notice something isn't quite right with my car. I pull over, and notice my antenna is completely off. So I am like WTF!!!

I don't want to deal with it at this particular time, so I head to the library and renew some RP books. After, I headed over to my dad and he is like "TEACH THAT SONUVABITCH A LESSON!" So I head back, the guy says he'll fix it. Everything is cool.

No.

My dad orders the antenna, forces me to go to the Shop and fix it. So I do this and when he finishes I go to the car wash and give the manager the receipt.

Apparently that is not how it works.

So I basically had to pull reverse psychology: I said I would just pay for the damages. The guy felt bad and said that I needed to "take a stand for what's right". So he eventually gave me the dough. I get my car. The fucking end.

That was six hours I will never get back.

2008-03-09T23:00:00.001-07:00

Anarchy in the M.E.S.

2008-03-06T22:51:00.000-08:00

Give me a mohawk and the Communist Manifesto: I'm going punk rock.

Human Drama is Inevitable

2008-03-04T20:59:00.000-08:00

I blacked out.

There were no words. No worries. No wonders.

Static. the Greatest noise to enter my ears.

I came back. History.

There were words. Worries. Wars.

Nothingness is too perfect. Chaos is too real.

real Always wins...

The Nose

2008-03-03T20:27:00.000-08:00

I sniff on consistent 5 second intervals.

sniff, sniff, SNEEZE!

I hate my nose: the enormous, villainous monster.

90%

2008-02-28T16:47:00.000-08:00

OH! how God has a sense of humor...

I actually failed something today. An assignment I should've gotten 100% on. But why am I being so fucking negative? Shit!

I am Winning.

I'm not going to let myself down again and it wasn't supposed to be like anything.

life is unwritten

I couldn't do anything about it. I didn't see it coming. So how could it be my fault?

What's better?

Comparisons are obscene. How do you compare black with white? Night with day? And I have a shadow! That's what counts? Right?

I am Success. Playing my own games, being my only opponent. I am Genuine.

30%

2008-02-27T17:31:00.000-08:00

I am Failure.

I let myself down and it wasn't supposed to be like this.

not even close

I blame myself more that I couldn't do anything about it. I didn't see It coming. Things don't look great anymore...

What's worse?

Standing next to the false heroics: the ones who took advantage of my sacrifice, the ones who look apropos but have no shadow. I am being compared to them? No?

I am a tragic fall. Beaten at my own game, ridiculed by my own conscious. And that is why I am Heroic.

Brainwashed

2008-02-26T08:04:00.000-08:00

Think for yourself.

I, by any means, am no reference to life. Otherwise, I would not be writing this blog.

Maybe I am a little ironic, but clone stamping isn't the way to do things. If anything, it strays you from what you are.

What do you think will happen next?

2008-02-22T19:45:00.000-08:00

The pressure has overtaken me.

I fall to the bed, give a heavy sigh.

"What do you think will happen next?" you said.

"I don't know."

We pause. Not ready to think, not ready to move on. It's the only moment of hope we've got; we'll make it last.

I will:

2008-02-17T21:16:00.000-08:00

listen to "Hey There Delilah", sell my body, eat insects, do outrages stunts, pull a David Blaine, pull an Evil Knievel, praise Hannah Montana, fight in Iraq, dress in drag and get low on youtube, create and take part in a 12 step program, carry only pennies, slaughter pigs, or watch High School Musical instead of doing my English, Spanish, and History homework.

ALSO: due to my overflow of "asdf" tags, I will now be using "sh00t esh000" as a subsitute; however, they mean exactly the same thing.

Don't Look Back in Anger

2008-02-14T21:07:00.000-08:00

Lately I have been really into covers. I like how artists interpret other songs outside their genre.

Smashing Pumpkins: "Landslide" (Fleetwood Mac)

Adam Green and Ben Kweller: "Kokomo" (Beach Boys)

However this cover of "Don't Look Back in Anger" done by Devendra Banhart is my favorite. Banhart is able to manipulate a Britpop anthem into a folk song. That is talent.

Home Sick

2008-02-09T17:34:00.000-08:00

I love being sick. I always feel like being sick gives you an advantage among others. You are given more priority. You sleep. You ditch school.

My favorite game to play when I am sick is to look at the clock and see what period it is at school.

7:00. Calc. Test, don't want to be there.

8:24. English. Definitely don't want to be there.

11:39. Spanish. Lectura. Ughhhh.

While my classmates go to these mundane places, I sit on a couch with a blanket and In-N-Out; watching Celebrity Rehab. Life is great.

100

2008-02-08T09:38:00.000-08:00

Happy 100, blog!

I have done a lot of hating on here, and I am confident there will be more hating to come.

Euphemism

2008-02-05T22:12:00.000-08:00

I am beginning to think that the euphemism is one of the most frivolous part of language. Just because you give shitty topics pretty fronts doesn't change the context.

His cousin died by jumping off a roof.

They were caught having sex in a van.

That girl is a fat ass.

Is there truly a difference to say:

His cousin passed away jumping off a roof.

They were caught making love in a van.

That girl is big-boned.

I like being straight-forward. I feel more awkward that way. And awkwardness is a lot more interesting than small talk.

So I could be happy...

2008-02-02T18:59:00.000-08:00

Thursday was one of the best days of my life. It's funny: nothing spectacular happened, nothing great happened, and nothing concluding happened. Up until that moment, that day kind of blew. I bombed a history test, I still was hungover from deadline, and I was tired from only 3 hours of sleep. Well I found this note in my room and as I read, a lot of things were starting to make sense. This void I've had for months and months in my stomach: gone! It was 5 minutes of pure ecstasy: I was decimeters from speaking in tongues and joining a cult. I can't remember being so gleeful about things, so optimistic. I was full of breath; energized to do anything.

Unfortunately, emotions don't last forever. And now I feel like shit...

Rivers Cuomo Loved His Dungeon Master's Guide

2008-01-27T16:07:00.000-08:00

Coming out of my car today, it finally came to me that I am a geek. I had just come home from work and I was sitting in my car putting all of my textbooks on my lap.

The car moved two inches from the weight.

Trying to be as nonchalant as possible, I open my car and try to walk with 7 books up the driveway and eventually to the front door (haven). However, things did not go over as smoothly as I intended. Textbooks lay scattered on the asphalt, notecards everywhere, and my keys still on my seat. I leave these items where they are and decide to head to the house.

It is at this point I couldn't get any geekier.

My first thoughts are of concern. Will my books get wet? What will I do if they are ruined? How will I study? Will I need to cover my textbooks again?

But it isn't just in these moments I can be considered a dork. Every moment is the geekiest moment of my life. This moment is the geekiest in my life. Just think about these small facts about me:

1. I think more about music than I think about girls.

2. My room is littered with neon notecards (racy, huh?)

3. My net attendance of parties in 2007 was 4. 3 of them family related.

4. My DVD collection is (but not limited) to: the Star Wars trilogy, the Back to the Future trilogy, the entire series of FRIENDS on DVD, and Monty Python.

5. The last thing I searched on Wikipedia was Catherine II of Russia.

However pathetic or lame this may be, I prefer the nerd lifestyle over the cool lifestyle. Life has more substance this way. After all, Rivers Cuomo loved his Dungeon Master's guide, but that didn't stop him from being one of the most badass rockers ever.

My name is...

2008-01-26T19:18:00.000-08:00

After much thought, I have decided this is the best rap song ever. Yes, the best.

Things You Should Know About My Job:

2008-01-20T18:32:00.001-08:00

I am indifferent to any aspect of the automotive industry. What size tires? I DGAF.
Incorporating point 1, I am both unaware and unwilling to learn anything about my job.
My coworker is a Douchebag. Elaborate? Please don't get me started.
Yes, we do close at 4 on Sundays.
Yes, things cost extra with bigger rims. Don't yell at me. You chose to buy that gas guzzler you jackoff.
Yes, anything under 25 dollars cannot be paid with a credit card. This isn't new information. That has been posted on the wall for 20 years.
If I worked anywhere else, I would definitely have been fired.
The majority of the people I work with only speak spanish. "Puedes hacer un rotacion para este coche?"
To kill the hours, I go facebooking. Sure, there isn't much to do but I do read the wall-to-walls of many people.
No, I do not know the score of The Game. I never know the score. I am working. Or facebooking.
I surf the web and talk to costumers at the same time. That is productivity.
I am actually an OK salesman. This is because of my indifference. I don't care about scoring a deal, so I just tell it like it is.
As soon as I go to college, I am out.

Finals

2008-01-12T17:52:00.000-08:00

It's funny how some things in our life are inevitable. And despite how much we strive to deceive ourselves, we end up back at Point A. I don't procrastinate because I am too lazy to do things. I procrastinate as a way to search for a loophole to get out of the tasks that absorb any energy dedicated to my actual thoughts. A deficiency in knowledge makes you ignorant. But an overflow of knowledge overwhelms you from using it in any form of application. Going back to the point, I need to stop kidding myself. And perhaps that is why I am so zealous about Greek tragedies. They keep me in the reality that you can never test the stars.

Return

2008-01-06T21:46:00.000-08:00

I'm not ready to go back.

Resolution

2007-12-31T23:07:00.001-08:00

I will make a list. I will check it twice. I will never get to it. I hate changing, even for the better. I will not think of the year collectively, because my stance on a year is how I feel in the present. People see this as a turning point, but to me it is all continuous. Everything will be the same tomorrow.

I find this as an appropriate song for the new year. The lyrics are phenomenal. And although, I prefer the album version, this live performance is damn good.

BTW

2007-12-24T13:52:00.000-08:00

This is such a beautiful song and video. The song meshes a Beirut beat: very exotic, yet comforting and welcoming; James Mercer's voice (I believe they're Swedish); and Kanye West's infatuation with diamonds (used as a metaphor, naturally). Great stuff.

How to get over yourself

2007-12-24T13:39:00.000-08:00

1. You are not Holden Caulfield. And stop thinking you are the only one who relates to him.
2. As of right now, "Atlas" by Battles has been played 692,785 times on youtube. Unless you have no life, and have watched it that many times on youtube: other people listen to them. Get over it.
3. Stop thinking that the superficial morons you talk to are the only people that can listen to that music. They have no idea what they are talking about half the time and don't appreciate culture. Unless culture is a bong hit and an ecstasy tablet.
4. American Apparel is a ripoff. You buy 14 dollar plain shirts that shrink two sizes after they have been washed.
5. Take a walk alone. See nature.
6. Reminisce.
7. Regret.
8. Own up to the asshole you have made yourself into.
9. Become your own person (not to sound too Jeanelle Fu).
10. Repeat, if needed.

Trust

2007-12-21T20:05:00.001-08:00

Trust has never been something I was good at.

Perhaps it has been the multitude of friends that have screwed me over. Was I naive to think that the next one were any different? Maybe it isn't even the fact they lied, but the circumstances. I have never been fond with the term "fake"; however, it seems I always befriend the fake kid. The one who talks shit about you behind your back and tries to cut you from their life, the one who makes promises to you they don't keep, and the one who is completely licentious and superficial. Whichever reason it may be- it leaves me high and dry; and colder and more distant for the next person that tries to reach out to me. It is fucking cruel. And it is fucking wrong.

Today I joked around that I will drive to the forest and practice witchcraft. As today progressed, I realized I was only partly joking; I really need to get the hell away from society. And by society, I mean Walnut.

I'm starting to hate everything about this place. But there are a few people that remind me that life moves on. And to them, I would like to say "Thank You" (which would be an understatement).

The Trunk

2007-12-20T22:33:00.000-08:00

If there were any place I would want to be, it would be the trunk of my car. On a rainy day with nowhere to go, the small open space behind my two-seater welcomes me. I curl into the fetus position, and stare at the sky; with the rain silently dancing on the window. It is there I write stories, it is there I feel warm and dry, and it is there I can truly think.

I guess good things do come in small packages.

Night Crawler

2007-12-15T23:09:00.000-08:00

My reactions to things are always the opposite of what they should be:

When I am happy, I am depressed.
When I am depressed, I am happy.

I now question loneliness: It's 9:30 and I am going 60 through Chino Hills Parkway.

I have never felt more comfortable in my life.

Fight or Flight pt.2

2007-12-02T18:50:00.000-08:00

Fight or Flight?

This time I will fight till the bone, baby.

It absolutely will not happen again.

Note to Self: 11/25/07

2007-11-25T10:17:00.000-08:00

Read Still Life
Finish history hw
Get macbook off mind
Run through neighborhood
Finish Calc packet
Finish velocity worksheet
Finish Ferris Bueller for the fiftieth time.
Start Spanish project on El Greco
Wash darks
Wash lights
Wash towels
Finish cleaning closet
Mark up Crucible
Mark up Catcher in the Rye
Draw birthday card
Start shopping for Secret Santa
Re-cover APUSH book

Fill

2007-11-22T19:50:00.000-08:00

I feel so soulless these days. I feel like something has been vacuumed out of my chest cavity, and that something is holding on to it.

I need something to feel. Some direct contact with someone. A slap. A kiss. A collision. I need some exchange of emotion with another person. Some inner revolution of youth, truth, and beauty.

Perhaps I shall stare in the sun. For even if I go blind, I will have had seconds-minutes, even- of pure ecstasy. I would have stared fate in the eye, and seen the world as it is. I could finally understand the environment around me; living in a state of tranquility and nirvana.

Two Weeks

2007-11-08T00:03:00.001-08:00

I failed my driving test. Fuck this. Two fucking weeks.

What a load of bull.

Fight or Flight

2007-11-06T20:48:00.000-08:00

I never realized how bipolar I get when I am anxious. One moment I am this chill guy and the next moment I am freaking out. Tomorrow I go for my license test. I need to do well. I need independence. To sum it up, I need a freaking car.

Gah, the pressure is intense. I am scared.

Momentum

2007-11-02T22:42:00.000-07:00

It's all going downhill and we're on a one way ticket.

Change is bad.

A Town on a Hill

2007-10-27T09:39:00.000-07:00

A pair of Jehovah's Witnesses rang my doorbell today.

We stared at each others' eyes through the glass window of my door. Then I went to my room.

I was compelled to not answer my door: I am not comfortable with people telling me that the apocalypse is coming and that I am going to hell.

And isn't it all about perception? What one person considers sin is what another person considers sanctity.

I am Roman Catholic. I believe in God. Usually I do not show it in the best way, but in the end I do.

A lot of people believe that Catholics are freaks, but we honestly stay in our niche. And I hate the idea of convincing someone to believe. It sounds like lying more than trying to make someone truly believe in God. And who are you honestly doing that for? You are doing it for your own sanctity, not truly for the benefit of God.

I don't like talking about religion. I feel really awkward when I do.

I will never punch an old white woman...

2007-10-21T22:56:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since I have cried.

When I think about the next time I will cry, I always perceive that it will be painful. Not emotionally, but physically. The tears will drop down, squeezing from the tear ducts. Or instead of tears, blood will fall. I have constantly convinced myself the next time I cry it will be this dramatic.

I cried today. It did not hurt at all. It came about smoothly, and it was how I remembered it. It's as if just coming from the ocean. You feel this saltiness, but it tastes good. It's comforting. It helps make you change from being tense to relaxed. It is very euphoric.

I realized how naive I have been. That the next time a situation like that happened, I would be strong. I could handle it. I couldn't have been more wrong. I felt like a little kid again, afraid of a big monster walking around.

I know there are no monsters, but it is easy to make misconceptions.

Silence

2007-10-18T22:43:00.000-07:00

I shout but nothing comes out.
I whisper but everyone can hear.

Have you fed the fish?

2007-10-16T21:22:00.000-07:00

Today was not a good day. The phrase "not a good day" is actually an understatement. I have never truly felt so unhappy in one day. By third period, I just wanted to leave. Who was I kidding? It felt as if every person in the human population jabbed a knife into my kidney and left me for dead. When I ponder-it was mainly academic factors of why I hated today but still. In English, my teacher made a comment on my vocabulary which I found to be extremely harsh. Like, I have a decent vocabulary; and I am part of the anomaly of people who actually use SAT words in my mundane conversations. Then in Calc, I got a 78 percent on a test that I studied for four hours on. So I basically was kicked in the balls, and once it started to be relieved, someone else kicked me in the balls. Fifth period slightly took away my problems, but not completely. But still, that comment made me feel fucking humiliated. And how can she say I need help on vocabulary when I sit next to the kid who starts sentences on essays with "In conclusion," or the one across the room who doesn't even have subject-verb agreement down. Maybe I am in denial, but even so: three-quarters of the population could not tell you when to use his or her versus their. It is more necessary in life to no things such as when something is singular or plural, right? I don't know. Ugh.

Song

2007-10-15T23:27:00.000-07:00

I need to blog, but I don't want to think. I would usually talk about something on my mind-but nothing is. This is what happens when I don't get a day of solitude. It seriously is an essential part of my life. And it pisses me off when people take advantage of it. My mom does this a great deal. On Saturday, she will stay home until like noon, and during this time I seriously just want and need to be alone. I seriously do not care who you are, I need silence to think. And even if you aren't making a noise-your presence is ear-shattering to me. So this is what caps everything up:

"The Sound of Silence"-Simon and Garfunkel

Staffers

2007-10-07T00:32:00.000-07:00

ASDF nothing works anymore....

I am sick of incompetent staff writers. Nothing seems to get through they're small naive brains. I am sick of every time I give them constructive criticism, they cry or complain. Welcome to the world of journalism. Who said journalism was a fun easy-going world? It's cut-throat. I am so sick of babying. I have no time for this and now I have to write a copy and two modules. To top it off, I have no dominate for my volleyball spread; and the next two days I am having to spend nights romancing my history book and the Scarlet Letter. GAH! DOES ANYONE CARE?

Swarming

2007-10-02T22:00:00.000-07:00

Writing, may it be story essays or blog entries, is a very difficult thing for me. I am not a bad writer, and I love to write. But my head is like Times Square, I have about 50 thoughts on one subject and it's difficult to see each one in its entirety. I am only able to skim the surface and can never dig deeper. Instead, I hit the thought and then hurry to the next-digressing as much as possible. As I go throughout my day, I always am thinking "how would I narrate this in a story?" or an even geekier "what am I going to talk about in my blog today?" But as I go through the day what was once my opinion on, say, evolution, is now about generational gaps. By the time I get to the computer I want people to see BOTH of these topics, but right as I click "new post", the topics weave together and none of the profound statements I had make sense. It's all just jargon.

In the spirit of digression, lord I hate writing about myself for school.

Hoppipolla

2007-09-11T22:41:00.000-07:00

This morning I wanted to be a kid again. As I woke from bed at 5:40, I wanted to do things like a seven year old- treat each mundane task with excitement. As I took my shower, I let my imagination run wild. I scribbled my goals for the day, the name of my future love, and my name on the condensation of the glass. I went underneath the shower head and pretended to be under a waterfall in Africa. I took into account of every drop that came from the spout. When I brushed my teeth, I pretended the toothbrush was a monorail. When I dressed, I pretended I was dressing for some significant occasion. But their was no kidding myself. Today would be like all the rest. 0. 1. 3. 5. Nothing fresh. But a little shot of imagination every now and then can't hurt some one.

September

2007-09-08T20:21:00.000-07:00

"The only people who are happy are the people who you don't know well."

True.

In other news, I am watching High School Musical 2 as a way to not be killed.

Ctrl+R (Refresh)

2007-08-26T21:39:00.000-07:00

School starts tomorrow. I am depressed. I love learning-but how we convey learning makes me dread learning. I hate this routine way we teach, review, test. It just shouldn't be. But I will not let it get to me. I want to learn things, and I shouldn't bother myself with the burden of tests. But I will change everything I perceived myself as in sophomore and freshman year. This isn't a slump no more, it is a comeback.

Let me reintroduce myself:
My name is Michael.
I care what people think, and I am proud of it.
I can lift myself up.
I am constantly working harder to get myself out of Walnut.
I am not who you thought I was, or who I was yesterday.
This is the first day of the rest of my life.
I have reincarnated mentally and emotionally.
I am afraid because I don't know my future, but I am going to make it how I want it to be.
Let's push things forward. Let's deny the past. Let's refresh.

Random

2007-08-22T22:27:00.001-07:00

We move fast convincing our selves we need to be somewhere on time (physically and mentally). In reality, we move fast so we don't have to think of a purpose for this destination.

180 Minutes (time flies)

2007-08-19T16:04:00.000-07:00

As of 15:58, I have had the house to myself. I have 180 minutes of time of solitude before the my parents (the bane of my existence) come back from LAX with my relatives. During this time, my goal is to do as much disobeying as possible due to the bitch my dad was when he left. As of right now I am in safe mode for possible turn-arounds from parents. This mode ends until 16:10 and then I can enjoy sanity for a while.

Teenagers

2007-08-17T22:34:00.000-07:00

This summer, was very static for me. No cultural epiphanies. No spiritual gains. Just a blank period of time. However, there was one thing that made my summer have a twinkle. That, my friends, is "Homecoming" by the Teenagers. I honestly don't know where to start. OK, lets begin with the video. The video gives off a "Virgin Suicides"-esque feel that was sponsored by what seems like American Apparel. In my opinion, the video hits that teenage feel right on target- with the fluffy rooms, the girls jumping on the beds and enjoying a pillow fight. It is practically MTV ready. Now to the song-the intro hooked me in somehow. The drunken down tempo which is slightly generic is given a distinguished feel. I even have an appreciation to the lyrics which so the point of view to both characters- and shows what the average teenage boy and girl are like. Thank you, the Teenagers.

The Fly

2007-08-08T01:36:00.000-07:00

There is a fly in my room that is the size of a fucking cadillac escalade. It only seems to make noise when I am in deep thought. When I am running on my treadmill, there it is. While I am reading, there it is. WHEN I AM SLEEPING, THERE IT FUCKING IS! JFKDSJKSDLFJKLSDFJLKSD.
I want to sleep dammit! Fuck flies. Fuck each, individual, motherfucking maggot that will morph into a fly.

As you can tell, I am not a morning person. Well, a "have to wake up at one o' clock because of an obnoxious bug" person.

The Great Escape

2007-08-05T22:14:00.000-07:00

I need to get out of Walnut. I hate living here so much. I hate everything about Walnut. It's filled with naive people who don't know what it is like to have a homeless man cuss you out for not saying bless you. People who don't know what drugs do to you. People who are attached to credit cards. Hell does not consist of minions, fire, and the traditional biblical description. Hell consists of track housing from the 70's and 80's, the village, mustangs, mercedes, and tutors. I can not stand this place. It is torture to make me live here.

Options

2007-07-30T22:16:00.000-07:00

You are at the apex of your life. You can plan for the future but you don't have to stick to what you said yesterday. Today you may be an aspiring scientist. Tomorrow you are the next Tom Brokaw. There is no limitations. But grasp on to each moment of this period. Because soon you're never coming back.

Good luck.

16 Military Wives

2007-07-29T21:55:00.000-07:00

this is how music videos were supposed to be made: witty and sophisticated.

Repaso

2007-07-27T08:38:00.000-07:00

0. Calc AB/AP-Hildreth
1. English 3 H-Donee
2. Pubs- Chai
3. APUSH-Nelson
4. Spanish 3 H- De la Cruz
5. Peer Counseling-Johannsen

beautiful!

What???

2007-07-22T19:07:00.000-07:00

I am LOL-ing right now that my school forces us to read and analyze a book that starred Alan Arkin as the main character.

Registration

2007-07-21T09:01:00.000-07:00

I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!! I WANT MY SCHEDULE!!!

Ahead

2007-07-16T21:07:00.000-07:00

"When there is nothing left to burn you must set yourself on fire."

Veterans

2007-07-15T21:19:00.000-07:00

So I was at work today and a man came in and he wore a shirt saying "VIETNAM veteran" with an American flag, an old hat stating his division and pins with other veteran paraphernalia, and one of those ubiquitous "Livestrong" bracelets but instead saying "I support our troops". As I thought about this, I questioned: what does this guy expect from doing this? Does he think citizens of America will start to run to him and hug him and worship him? And I mean, why should we "respect" Vietnam vets? I mean, they weren't fighting for freedom. They were fighting for paranoid MaCarthiests (sp?) who were obsessed with the Domino Effect. The people fighting there didn't volunteer either. They either went to Vietnam. Or they went to prison. I don't understand this whole thing. It just doesn't make sense to me.