Note to Self: 11/25/07

• Read Still Life
• Finish history hw
• Get macbook off mind
• Run through neighborhood
• Finish Calc packet
• Finish velocity worksheet
• Finish Ferris Bueller for the fiftieth time.
• Start Spanish project on El Greco
• Wash darks
• Wash lights
• Wash towels
• Finish cleaning closet
• Mark up Crucible
• Mark up Catcher in the Rye
• Draw birthday card
• Start shopping for Secret Santa
• Re-cover APUSH book

Fill

I feel so soulless these days. I feel like something has been vacuumed out of my chest cavity, and that something is holding on to it.

I need something to feel. Some direct contact with someone. A slap. A kiss. A collision. I need some exchange of emotion with another person. Some inner revolution of youth, truth, and beauty.

Perhaps I shall stare in the sun. For even if I go blind, I will have had seconds-minutes, even- of pure ecstasy. I would have stared fate in the eye, and seen the world as it is. I could finally understand the environment around me; living in a state of tranquility and nirvana.

Two Weeks

I failed my driving test. Fuck this. Two fucking weeks.



What a load of bull.

Fight or Flight

I never realized how bipolar I get when I am anxious. One moment I am this chill guy and the next moment I am freaking out. Tomorrow I go for my license test. I need to do well. I need independence. To sum it up, I need a freaking car.

Gah, the pressure is intense. I am scared.

Momentum

It's all going downhill and we're on a one way ticket.


Change is bad.

A Town on a Hill

A pair of Jehovah's Witnesses rang my doorbell today.

We stared at each others' eyes through the glass window of my door. Then I went to my room.

I was compelled to not answer my door: I am not comfortable with people telling me that the apocalypse is coming and that I am going to hell.

And isn't it all about perception? What one person considers sin is what another person considers sanctity.

I am Roman Catholic. I believe in God. Usually I do not show it in the best way, but in the end I do.

A lot of people believe that Catholics are freaks, but we honestly stay in our niche. And I hate the idea of convincing someone to believe. It sounds like lying more than trying to make someone truly believe in God. And who are you honestly doing that for? You are doing it for your own sanctity, not truly for the benefit of God.



I don't like talking about religion. I feel really awkward when I do.

I will never punch an old white woman...

It has been a long time since I have cried.

When I think about the next time I will cry, I always perceive that it will be painful. Not emotionally, but physically. The tears will drop down, squeezing from the tear ducts. Or instead of tears, blood will fall. I have constantly convinced myself the next time I cry it will be this dramatic.

I cried today. It did not hurt at all. It came about smoothly, and it was how I remembered it. It's as if just coming from the ocean. You feel this saltiness, but it tastes good. It's comforting. It helps make you change from being tense to relaxed. It is very euphoric.

I realized how naive I have been. That the next time a situation like that happened, I would be strong. I could handle it. I couldn't have been more wrong. I felt like a little kid again, afraid of a big monster walking around.

I know there are no monsters, but it is easy to make misconceptions.